Cutting Ties

“He is a good friend to me, so why does it matter?” “I have talked to him about it, but I can’t control what he does, and he is someone I could depend on.”

I have heard this many times from men I am dating. Immediately no.

The first time I heard it and didn’t let up on it was January of 2024. I was dating a man I really liked; he was about 13 years older than me, successful in his career, took care of himself physically, took care of me, lived a simialr lifestyle to myself — there were for sure flaws in that area like his excessive substance use, which probably wouldve ended us if this thing I am about to tell you hadn’t.

The biggest thing we didn’t align on at all was our view on friendships and holding people accountable. We will call him Dale. Dale is friends with a man whom I had known of for a few years before meeting the guy I was seeing. And let me tell you, this man was a piece of garbage. From the moment I met him, I knew I did not vibe with him at all — the way he treated women, his ego, his business, the way he talks to others, his constant need to be devil’s advocate and excessive need to be right — there wasn’t a single thing I liked about this man, we will call him Johnny. I will say in general, I knew Johnny through my close friend, but I didn’t care to know anything about the man. Like I purposely kept a distance from him and anything he had going on. Johnny and Dale happened to be the ‘best friends’. Now I air-quote 'best friend' because they literally knew one another for two seconds before deciding they were besties. BUT ANYWAY, this shitty guy Johnny was doing shitty things to a girl I knew, we will call her Stacy, he was just completely dogging this poor girl out. A close friend of mine and I tried to reason with her, but she was so used to being in such an abusive relationship (mind you, he started dating her when she was very, very young, like she was in her teens when he was pushing 30) that there was no way she was going to let go, super sad.

Now I am going to tell you about the situation that dragged me into the mess that is Stacy and Johnny.

To paint the scene, like I said, Johnny and Stacy have an extensive history — they had been dating for about four years, met families, and everything. Around the time Dale and I were starting to date the situation of Johnny sharing something along the lines of: “I am flying a girl in, I am going to come to the party with y’all and about halfway through I am going to meet the girl I am flying in at the hotel to crack, then I will come meet back up with yall. OH YEAH AND Stacy is going to come back and stay the night with me.” Dale didn’t think twice about it. Now, if I were Dale, I WOULD LOOK AT JOHNNY SIDEWAYS. I would question so many things, and if this isn’t the first time this happened, GOODBYE. You are not a friend, you can't even treat someone you merge yourself with correctly, so what business do I have being friends with you?? And I know people don't approach situations the same, but this wasn't Johnny had done some sleezy shit, I mean, for goodness sake, the underage dating, the first time probably should’ve been the first red flag to Dale.

That is when the initial honeymoon phase immediately wore off, and I started questioning him, his values, and morals. Now, I personally am no saint; I have done some questionable things, no doubt, but I will say, I have matured and no longer partake in shitty behavior and have cut off the people in my life who do. So even though Dale didn't partake in the activities, he enabled them, made excuses for them, which is unacceptable to me. I ended things.

The second situation was more recent, when I was casually dating a guy in June, whom we will call Darren. He and I had known of one another for a handful of years, and he is friends with someone who is dating a previous friend of mine, we will call this couple Jenny and Louis. When Jenny and I were friends, she disclosed to me that Louis was unfaithful — I told her to leave him, but she stayed. We ended our friendship due to other reasons that maybe one day I will write about, BUT I was still friendly with a couple of people who knew this couple, and through the grapevine, Louis was dogging tf out of Jenny, which hurts my heart cause I cared about the woman, but she made the decision to stay. So anyway, Darren and I connected in June, boom, Jenny and Louis were brought up. Darren confirmed that Louis was still doing Jenny dirty, and when I asked why he was still friends with Louis, he said along the lines of “I have talked to Louis about it, but I can’t control what he does, and he is someone I could depend on,”… again enabling the behavior. I ended up trying to look past it because Darren is actually such a good guy, but the thought of dating someone who tolerates harmful behavior because “He hasn’t done me wrong,” and the potential of that icky person and that mindset being introduced to my children? No thanks.

You might be thinking, Baylee, everyone messes up sometimes. YES, we are human and we make mistakes. Being unfaithful once was a mistake. Being unfaithful twice was a decision. Being unfaithful three+ times, that’s your character. Same with lying, stealing, etc., and I am not tolerating it… my friends know this. Elenoa, Chris, Zane, Deja, Kyra — they all know I am not messing around when it comes to being upright citizens, treating people with love and respect. Our lives are too short to allow that energy around us, and if that person cares enough to keep you in their life, they will change, they will BE BETTER.

I believe right now in society, the reason dating is so hard is because we tolerate behavior and don’t hold people accountable — BOTH genders. If Elenoa were to come to me and say, “Baylee, I messed up and cheated,” I would ask to talk about why she did that and how it is not going to happen again. I would encourage her to speak to her partner as to why and to either leave that person OR fill the gaps in their relationship. Now, if she were to come to me a handful more times, it would break my heart into a million pieces, but I wouldn't be able to be friends with her anymore, because why are you doing that? And that is because I am not going to sit by and enable shitty behavior, I am going to hold her accountable by sharing the information with her partner and exiting our friendship.

As a collective, we are so okay with sitting by because “it’s not happening to me” — you’re the problem if you think this way in literally any regard. Politically, dating, economically, religiously, spiritually, literally any of the -lys.

Do better, help the people you love be better, and if they can’t, leave. Cause if enough people leave them, they will either surround themselves with equally shitty people or they recognize their ways are separating them from people who are good and caring, and they will change.

xoxx,

B